this week is truly a rollercoaster ride.
and what better way to end it besides being touched by the presence of God today at service?
icant think of anyway better (:
so many things have happenedd all in just one week.
ive been threatenedd and all that crap
dad got hospitalised
ive been on an emotional rollercoaster ride for the whole week
got called up for counselling alot of times unbeknownst to all of you
had a mental breakdown several times this week
got tons of moodswings (which pissed lots of guys off because they didnt understand)
cried for a day and a half while feeling pissedd off at the same time for no apparant reason
got back my report card. really disappointed with the results
PHEW. DEEP BREATH~
its been a loooooooong week hasnt it ?
and thats why the first thing i did when i went into the church during worship this morning was to kneel in God's presence and cry
straying away from God's presence has really made me very upset and pissed with myself
infact the reasons why i was having moodswings, suffered from mental breakdowns, cried, and went on that emotional rollercoaster ride was mainly because i was upset and angry with myself for several reasons.
1.Godim totally upset because ive been straying away from him.
i havent been reading the bible.
i havent been praying.
i even felt like stopping church
unclean thoughts are making their way through my head over and over again
ive been spewing vulgarities ever so often now.
and im being completely : leave-me-alone-its-not-like-anyone-cares-about-me-anymore
2. Too Close for Comfort?i only found out i was pissed at myself about this today
part of today's sermon was : the closer you are to youre spouse, the more dependant and vulnerable you are to them.
the only reason why ive been so pissed off and biting everyone's heads off lately is because im letting all my past hurts come to surface
i admit. ive not let go of all the past hurts. and i always pretend im alright and im already healed from it.
but this relationship. apparently im staking everything into it.
and my subconcious state made me realise i was becoming very vulnerable
thus i became very defensive and moodswinging.
the closer i am to someone, the more vulnerable i become.
i guess its because of that inner vow i made to myself
never to become vulnerable in a male's eyes
has pissed me off.
im not only fearful of that.
im fearful of everything around me
i've built walls
i've built inner vows inside me
and im ready to break them
why am i so afraid to speak out ?
ive built walls around me
and i guess im just waiting for a person who cares enough to break them down
use a key to open a door that i tightly shut
and break it open.
and i know youre the one.
but everything needs time.
so im giving myself, you, and both of us time to break down the walls
and i know, there's walls within you as well
i hope we can break down the walls we built around ourselves that we thought are protecting ourselves as individuals. together
3. HELPLESSNESSmany of you know that my dad's been hospitalised this week
which is why i skipped school on tuesday.
and i felt helpless.
while that whole teachers'day thing under my block thing
i also felt helpless
but i forced myself to stay strong infront of the enemy
andimadeit!
but still. i felt helpless.
others had to do the talking for me.
and that feeling sucked.
ohyes. did i mention?
im gonna go to the hospital soon. why? for checkup. sighs
4.Familymum's in china
all dad does is vent his frustrations out at me
lionel and tammy has this passing phase of scaring me out of my wits
aunty nags like nobody's buisness.
victor - none much here. we dont talk to each other for as long as a week. not even a word muttered
gabriel - starting to talk to me but its because of Jane
Jane - still dont really respect her that much due to the bedroom incident but shes a nice person to be with.
basically the whole family's living their own lives.
and all my parents do is complain that i dont stick to the family
when gabriel and victor is on their own living by themselves too.
ohhwell. thats parents for you.
5. Friendsheck. what friends do i have?
nobody's really there for me now are they?
ohwell. thats life for you.
read Dajie's blog.
realised that i havent been actually there for her either.
feeling so guilty
i always wanted that one true friend
andd i guess ive never been that friend to her either.
she's been there when i was down and out
sighs.
wish me luck in jio-ing her out this week to make amends.
~
had lunch and fellowshipped with the cellgroup today
IM GONNA MISS ALBERT
he's leaving for NS on friday
and the cg planned a prayer meeting and dinner for albert.
ON THURSDAY!
wahh. im about to cry lah
its like, prayer meeting at four, dinner at five, then another prayer meeting at seven forty
and before that in the morning i have like what, remidial or sth
AND ITS ON THE SEVENTH! )X
rahhs....
anyway
i was hearing tons of army stories today
and we were discussing on what company shld albert get in if he wanted those kindda relaxing types
but i doubt he'd have much of a problem if he goes through the physical stuff lahh.
he and peter are the kind who works out every single day -,-
IM GONNA MISS ALBERT'S HAIR
and when we take pictures on the day we have dinner
im sure you guys will know why
(:
then Albert said he's gonna pray everyday for rain . HEAVY RAIN
so that outdoor activities will always be cancelled
so we all said : eh. if it rains now, we'll all know why its raining.
sis meiyan : everyone's gotta remember to pack umbrellas now if you go anywher
and Jinhui was scaring albert nonstop with all the army stuff .
and Albert was practically MAKING A LIST on what to pray for so that he wont suffer in camp.
and it was stuff like : i pray that my bunkmate is not the heavy kind so when we do partner carry partner and run i wont faint.
i pray that i'll get rashes on the first day and it gets serious and more serious so i'll get demoted and wont do any physical activities.
and i came to one conclusion. :
thankGOD girls dont have to serve NS (Xahahhahaa.
im mean. im being very mean
bleughs. whocares! ahahha
~
hold me in youre arms, never let me go. i wanna spend, eternity with you
i love YOU more and more each day ;
11:23 PM
