exhausted, and weary, i find my rest in You.
was up the whole night, probably only took an hour or so of short nap before waking up to go to church. and why the insanity of NOT even sleeping until five or six plus in the morning?
probably because of the quarrel with him. i was shaken pretty badly i guess from all the smses that was sent yesterday up till this afternoon.
angry hurtful words were exchanged. The harshness and cold tone you had, sadness and hurt washed over me, as every single sms was received and replied. feeling so rejected, so unloved. and then i wonder to myself. why is every single quarrel so hurtful? why is everything so unreasonably unfair? sure, i never expected life to be a bed of roses, but neither did i expect it to be a bed full of needles and pricks either.
today's preaching was good. but i had this weird vision again.
two extremes i guess. Seperation , or the happy outcome.
i'm confused. what does God want me to do?
to give up? but i dont want to. [
ask, and you shall be given, seek, and you shall find ]
to continue? but its all so weary and tiring. [
I can do all things through He, who strengthens me ]
Father, why. why are you giving me two extreme thoughts?
which is your real plan for me?
you're giving me two extreme thoughts. i'm confused.
which is mine, which is Yours?
or are you showing me two different outcomes, which depends on what i choose to do now?
i nearly broke down, close to tears during lunch with the cg today. i think only Irwin noticed my whole mood change, and my whole face with tears threatening to fall. when he called, the way he kept shouting all of a sudden , the way he sms-ed , i was hurt. upset.
i was crushed.
i realised . apologies does not heal. what it does, is just to stop and end whatever negative has been going on, and just tries to salvage the situation by a long hanging piece of thread.
wounds take a long time to heal. scars are always there .
is whatever happen today, a scar or a wound?
i have no idea. and i wont until time shows everything. you might not want to play with time. but what i really need now is time . i will try my best, to do all i can, to heal everything. in the fastest, least possible time needed .
i still love you. dont ever doubt that. the words you spoke today were harsh, i will most probably never forget.
Father, i really need you.
draw me near to ur throne
with angels all around crying out
touch my lips
with your fire
in ur glory may I be found
I wanna stay
I wanna stay here , with you.
I stand alone, before youre throne,
my soul laid bare as i come undone.
For in Your Glory may I be found.
i love YOU more and more each day ;
2:39 AM
